High Plains Panhandler

Ant Fight

Alex reports:

"I saw a ant biting a other ant. It squished him with his body. It was eating the head first. It was by the sidewalk, you know on that little walk. The ants were friends, but one was being bossy to the other so he squished him with his body. I bet that hurted bad! There was another ant that got right in between him, and then the other ant, it got squished because they didn't know he was there. And that's it. Then I came back in."

Mother's Day 2007

Happy Mother's Day!

Disneyfacation: Day 8

Home again, home again. Sure, American Airlines lost four of our five bags, and sure the flight was pretty tough on everyone's tummies, but here we are, safe and sound. And tired. Really, really tired.

If I could bring back one lesson from our trip to Disney World, one bit of wisdom to make the world a better place, it'd be this: all great things end in a gift shop.

Every big ride, every experience, everything it seemed, ended in a gift shop. Ride the ride, now get the t-shirt!

I guess that's the way of things: they take your money up front, and then they try to take some more at the end.

And now I'll end with at my own gift shop, impressions from the kids:

Megan (9):

"I liked MGM studios because it had a great roller coaster, the Rock-n-Roller coaster and the Tower of Terror, which was fun. My dad loved that ride. I also like Fantasmic because of all the bright lights and effects, and there was a movie playing on the water. I also liked going to the Magic Kingdom because we ate lunch in Cinderella's castle there, and that was really fun. At Downtown Disney we went to DisneyQuest, and it's really fun because it's like an indoor amusement park. Our hotel room was also cool. It was like the time when - who was that guy who wrote those books? Mark Twain or something? I liked going on Space Mountain too because its an indoor roller coaster. Waiting in lines wasn't bad because they were mostly inside. Outside they didn't have any theme to them. Now I have to study for my science test. The end."

Colleen (11):

"My favorite part of our trip was either Downtown Disney or all the fantastic or fun rides. We rode on practically a million rides, except I really didn't like the Rockin Roller Coaster even though I rode it twice because it gave me a headache and was very fast. Also, the Tower of Terror was so cool. It's based on this old TV show called The Twilight Zone. I liked it because you don't just go in an elevator and drop 13 stories. There's actually a real story to it. You have seats in the elevator and you have seat belts. Thank goodness! Well, there were a lot of other cool rides, but I don't have time. I will one other thing about Downtown Disney, and then I have to meet my agent for dinner. Downtown Disney - we went to this building called DisneyQuest. It was kind of like a theme park itself. It had five stories, and there was something great on every story. There was a creativity zone, Buzz Lightyear, and make your own roller coaster. I just loved DisneyQuest. Oh, no! Oh, no! I'm late! I'm late! Gotta go."

Alex (6):

"I liked MGM studios because the Tower of Terror was there but I didn't like the Tower of Terror. It just dropped you down like one window, the high window first, and it almost made me throw up. It was so high. And there was the Rock-n-Roller Coaster, but I didn't ride it because I am too small, but my sisters went on it. I loved Splash Mountain. We weared our ponchos for that. My dad didn't hold on, so it splashed on him. That's why it's called Splash Mountain. We rode a boat across the lake to Tom Sawyer's island. The cave was very cool, but it wasn't the real Tom Sawyer island. We saw the real island before where Grunkle Jim lives. But there was a lot of mosquitoes there at the real island. I also liked the river rapids ride because it had real fire in it. It was so cool. I was on the side with the fountains, so I got super wet. It's good I brought my poncho. If I didn't, I would be soaking. We made our own hats with our names on them. My was in spiky letters. Megan's was in white letters. Colleen's was in purple letters. I also liked the lego place. There were some cool lego things there. There was even a big robot in the store, and when you look in the lake there was a big dragon all made out of legos. And there's a shark and a dolphin and a crab. I was excited about the Tower of Terror, but when I went on it, no I wasn't excited. That was a very long line. The walls were scary there. And at Splash Mountain there was a little story in the cave about the fox trying to catch the rabbit."

Look carefully. Pictures are here.

Disneyfacation: Day 7

We're getting close to the end of our Disney vacation, and for our last day we decided to spend most of it at Downtown Disney, poking around at some stores and playing around at DisneyQuest, which is a huge indoor video arcade. There are quiet of few games to play in DisneyQuest, but all of them, after a few hours, encourage the incubation of headaches, especially the Cyberspace Mountain make-your-own-roller coaster ride.

Suzanne, Megan, and Colleen designed a pretty vicious virtual roller coaster at a touch-screen kiosky kind of thing. After they finished, the were able to ride it in one of those two-seater pods that can roll and flip and do all sorts of nasty things while following your coaster tracks. Unfortunately, I went ahead and rode this virtual coaster, a thing that I did not need to do. Afterward, I wasn't nearly as bad off as after Mission: Space at Epcot, but I did feel quite googly for an hour or two.

Let's see. At DisneyQuest we played some other games, rode bumper cars, and had a drawing class where we learned how to draw Goofy. We had a similar drawing class at MGM where we learned to draw Mickey Mouse, and we were able to keep our drawing paper. This time, though, we drew on screens and the instructor was able to watch our progress. This instructor, unlike most everyone else at Disney, was a sour puss. Suzanne said if you looked in his eyes, you could see this thought: "I hate this job." That was also pretty evident in his tone (and he certainly didn't like me, since I typed in "Boris the Sandwich" for my name - he yelled at me to erase my Goofy's arms and legs, since they didn't fit with the Disney version of Goofy - sigh).

We left DisneyQuest mid-afternoon and took a boat back to our hotel (where I grabbed the camera battery that I had forgotten). Then we took the shuttle bus to the Magic Kingdom and then hopped on the monorail for a ride to Epcot. This was our first time on the monorail, and we asked if we could sit in the front with the pilot. They only allowed four of us (although there was plenty of room) to ride up there, so Suzanne said she'd ride in the back (which was very nice because I had been looking forward to being up there with the kids for the whole week - I believe in high speed train transportation, Mr. Disney! I do! I do!).

And then we spent the rest of the evening at Epcot, eating in Morocco and rushing from country to country so the kids could finish collecting their country stamps. Luckily, Epcot had extra magic hours tonight. That means if you're a guest at a Disney hotel, you can stay and ride things until 11:00 while the rest of the rabble had to leave right after the fireworks (around 9:30). The kids wanted to ride Test Track one more time, but it was shut down for a repair. So the girls opted for Mission: Space, which I stayed far away from.

Then we took the long, standing-room-only, shuttle ride back to the hotel and packed up, ready for our early Saturday morning ride to the airport, Orlando to Dallas, Dallas to home.

Tomorrow: Home

Disneyfacation: Day 6

Today was a more relaxing day. We didn't get up as early, mainly because the park we were going to (Blizzard Beach) didn't open until 10.

Blizzard Beach is one of two giant Disney water parks. The story behind this one is a snowstorm hit Florida once upon a time, and someone built a ski resort around it, but the snow melted, alas, and the resort ended up being a water park with chair lifts, ski runs, and all the other things you'd expect at a ski resort.

Beyond all that artifice, though, was the incredible number of British who were there. Apparently they all decided to go to Disney World because the pound is so strong and the flights are so cheap. So everywhere we went, we ran into someone from the U.K.

We could tell, of course, not by their accents but by their bathing suits. Boy, those British men sure aren't afraid of wearing speedos. And trust me, they should be afraid. We certainly were.

We were walking back to our little camp of lounge chairs, towels, and shoes when a woman in a thong bathing suit cut in front of us. Finally, after about half a minute of silence, I turned to Colleen and said, "Talk about a wedgie." Then Colleen burst out laughing, and I could tell right then that she had been thinking the same thing but was unsure of how to say it.

Of course, Suzanne and I got slightly competitive on the the Toboggan Racers ride. The idea on this one is to race eight other people on a mat down a water slide. On our way down, I lifted my feet, causing me to slow down. I didn't know how slow until Suzanne passed me, shouting, "So long, sucker!"

Foiled by my big feet! So the next ride, Snow Stormers, was going to be the site of my redemptive victory. We pushed off on our mats at the top of the ride, but this time we were sailing down different curving pipes, so I had no idea where Suzanne was. Needless to say, I pulled up on the top of my mat so less of it touched the water, kept my legs and feet pointed straight back, and plunged down the pipeline with gusto. Well, actually, a little too much gusto. I whacked my head pretty hard on one turn, and slammed my hand into the wall on another, so I was in a fair amount of pain when I landed in the pool at the bottom of the course.

I got to the end first, but Suzanne still won: she had enjoyed her ride. No pain.

We left Blizzard Beach around 4:00 so we could change and make it to the Hoop-dee-doo Review, a great and hilarious dinner theater show. Midway through one of the actors came by our table and asked Alex if he wanted to get on stage and be the Texas Ranger for the final act of the show. At first Alex, shy, didn't want to do it. But then we told him he'd get to tell his cousin Joseph and his friend Spencer all about it. He thought about that for a second and then said, "I'll do it."

It was great. He hit his mark, flexed his muscles, and got the bad guys. Afterward, he seemed to shrug off his star appearance as nothing more than a regular day's work. Not too bad for his first acting gig.

Tomorrow: Downtown Disney

Disneyfacation: Day 5

As always, we had a quick breakfast of muffins and then we jumped on the shuttle bus for the Disney/MGM Studio theme park. First things first, Suzanne, Colleen, and Megan ran off to ride the Rock-n-Roller Coaster (Alex was too small for that one), and then we all met up a few minutes later to ride the Tower of Terror. Next to Expedition Everest, the Tower of Terror was my favorite ride in all the parks.

We bopped around the park for awhile, going to The Great Movie Ride and Star Tours (a Star Wars ride that could have been oh so much better), and then we had lunch at the ABC Commissary.

A quick note about meals: we were on the Disney meal plan, which was part of our lodging package. The meal plan gave us points for different kinds of meals. We could spend those points however we saw fit. We had a collection of counter service points (we used those at restaurants, such as the ABC Commissary, that didn't send a waiter to our table, but rather we picked up the food at the counter ourselves), snack points (we could use a point here for ice cream or a bottle of water - we ended up getting milk for breakfast with these points), and table points (we could use these for fancier restaurants, such as Artist Point where we had our anniversary dinner and the Cinderella lunch - those took two table points a person, so our anniversary dinner cost us 10 of our table points for the meal). A counter service point got us a meal (say, a sandwich), a drink, and a dessert. A table point got us an appetizer, entree, drink, and dessert.

Now our plan was to only use four counter service points for the five of us (we had heard from various people that you get an awful lot of food, so splitting would work out just fine). What we didn't know until we found a friendly counter person in the Magic Kingdom, is that a point was a point was a point. That mean you could get a kid's meal or an adult meal for the same food point. That was dandy. So what we did was order four adult meals and split them five ways. That worked out great.

Now we just have to break the kids expectations of getting dessert after every meal. That's harder than you think.

The high point of our MGM trip was the Indiana Jones Stunt Show (and not because the stunt guys used whips - I had tried to use my friend Rodney's whip one time and ended up damaging parts of my . . . ah, posterior). The show needed some extras, enthusiastic people from the audience who would play along, and as one of the hosts combed the crowd, Suzanne shot up and waved her arms, and suddenly she was brought down to the stage to learn about her new role: vaguely foreign person in a head scarf shopping for a new rug.

We were all very excited for her, and we clapped and whistled and screamed and tried to get as much of it on video for later blackmail. I'm not sure what the stunt man story really was, since I was keeping my eye on Suzanne, but I know there was some punching and kicking and exploding things here and there.

That was all just terrific fun, and the kids loved it. After the show we kept going around the park, by now juiced up with adrenaline and star power. We caught the Beauty and the Beast stage show, which was really very good (and the sign language interpreters - well, they were putting on their own show on the side of the stage. I had never seen anything like that before - the two interpreters were really getting into it, just like the actors on stage; pretty cool). We ended the night with Fantasmic, an amazing show in the amphitheater (apparently it holds 10,000 people). We got to the amphitheater about 45 minutes before the show to get seats. I guess some people got there much earlier because all the center sections of seats were already filled.

But what a show! It was the best fireworks, pyrotechnic show of all the parks. Sure, the Magic Kingdom shoots fireworks over Cinderella's castle, and Epcot has a pretty neat Earth-themed show at the end of the day. But this, well, this one outshone them all. It was well worth the wait (and even though I sat behind Giant Man with his Amazing Melon Head, I saw things just fine). What a way to end the day.

Tomorrow: Blizzard Beach

Disneyfacation: Day 4

We spent most of today at the Animal Kingdom, which was really spectacular. As usual, we got there early for the grand opening ceremony and then split off, obeying our touring plan. We started at the Primeval Whirl, a crazy roller coaster that was a lot of fun (although Alex was too small to ride it, so he rode something else), and then our plan was to ride Expedition Everest before the lines grew too long.

Unfortunately, even the best touring plan can get goofed up when a ride has to undergo a repair, so we had to adjust our timing while Expedition Everest was getting fixed up. Instead, we decided to take our chances on the Kali River Rapids.

Suzanne had read all about this ride and knew the odds of us getting utterly soaked in the river were pretty high. So we all put on ponchos and changed into flip flops before getting into line. People gave us plenty of odd looks, and I guess we did look a little strange. But in the end, all those other people looked a lot stranger with their clinging, drenched clothes while we popped out nice and dry and ready to ride again (which we did - there wasn't a line, so we just stayed in the boat and rode a second time).

Of course, animals are everywhere in the Animal Kingdom, and for some reason I had this fear that monkeys would steal our shoes while we were on the Kali River Rapids. Monkeys are tricky like that. Fortunately no one was interested in my particularly odoriferous tennis shoes

Screams told us Expedition Everest was finally open, so we trotted over there quickly and stood in a fast moving line. I wasn't sure what to expect from this ride, but I have to say it's one of the best roller coasters I've ever been on, and it's full of that whole Disney mega-detailed experience. The line snakes through an seemingly authentic and convincing Tibetan monastery and then funnels into a Yeti museum, which has photos and artifacts from the Lost Expedition, a group of explorers that disappeared under mysterious Yeti-like circumstances.

All that aside (Disney sure knows how to make waiting in line a less-excrutiating experience than it normally would be), the ride itself was incredible. It went forward. It went backward. It shot through the dark. I had no idea where we were going most of the time. We all loved it.

But the Animal Kingdom is more about animals than roller coasters, so we spent the next few hours on the Maharajah Jungle Trek and the Pangani Forest Exploration Trail. We sat through a great show about birds called Flights of Wonder and had lunch at the Tusker House Restaurant in Africa (Animal Kingdom is split into different areas: Africa, Asia, Dinoland USA, and Camp Minnie-Mickey) where a group of acrobats and musicians entertained the crowd during our meal.

Our touring plans usually break down the day into two parts: rides in the morning and shows in the afternoon. So after lunch we rode the Kilmanjaro Safari (fun with a goofy story line), and then we saw the Festival of the Lion King (really great circus-like show), and Finding Nemo - The Musical (also terrific).

These shows amazed me, particularly because they were so large and polished. The venues were enormous, the music great, the acting and singing fantastic. These sure weren't productions of the Amarillo Little Theater (not to be insulting; they just don't have the budget . . . or sometimes any budget).

We had a run in with a Crank while leaving the Lion King show. Since these shows seat quite a few people, it's a crowd scene leaving the venue. After the Lion King, a cranky, bitter old man in one of those help-me-I-can't-get-up, electric "assisted walker" scooters was trying to push his way through the crowd. Alex darted in front of him, and the guy actually lunged forward and hit Alex on the back of the leg. Alex fell over and then scurried back up, no worse for wear, but the Crank was really angry.

Me: "Hey, watch it."
Crank: "%@#%@! people haven't never seen a crippled before!"
Suzanne: "Nice language."
Me: "Look, he's only six years old. You don't hit a kid."
Crank: "Kids!"
Me: "He doesn't have a license, but you do. You should know better. He's only six."
Crank: "I'm stuck here, and I'm losing my family."
Me: "So am I, buddy. Look, we're letting you through."
Then the crowd parted like the Red Sea, and we let him sputter away.
Woman Behind Me: "We forget the world rotates around him."

Sometimes I wonder what people are expecting when they go to places like Disney World. It sure isn't Amazing Scooter Land full of miraculous and open vistas and pathway for sluggish battery powered trips. It's Disney World. It's full of people, a lot of whom are short on patience and beaten down by lines and standing and shuffling to get to the next place.

We had to leave the Animal Kingdom before it closed (by just a couple of hours) to get back to our room, change, and make our dinner reservation at Artist's Point, a swanky restaurant at the Wilderness Lodge. We chose this swankiness to celebrate our 14th anniversary, which just happened to be at the same time we decided to take the kids to Disney World.

Our meal was wonderful: Suzanne had grilled salmon, I had scallops. The location, beautiful. But I think the Megan and Alex won the night with their dessert: a puzzle made of white chocolate, a pallet of edible paints, and a paintbrush. The idea is for the kids to put the puzzle together, paint it, and then eat it. Pretty nifty.

Tomorrow: MGM Studios

Disneyfacation: Day 3

It was another early start to another busy day. We arrived at the Magic Kingdom in plenty time to see the big character entrance, which is when all sorts of Disney characters ride on a train to the front gates, wave at everyone with those cartoonish caffeinated big-handed waves of theirs, and then count down from 10 to the park's opening.

The character greeting was quite fun, but as soon as those gates opened, it was survival of the fittest. We were part of the mass of bodies flooding into the park, but we took a quick detour to grab our rented stroller, and then, bowing to a family vote, we made our way to Tomorrowland to ride Space Mountain once again. The line was quick and painless, and we were in and out in under ten minutes.

After that our park tour took us to The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh where the people in line behind us said they were following the same tour acquired from the computer internets. Halfway through Winnie the Pooh, Suzanne also realized the it was exactly what Mr. Toad's Wild Ride used to be (many years ago), but now had been cleansed of its wildness and recreated in the image of Peter Pan.

As we moved on from ride to ride, dancing delicately around the sing song black hole that is the It's a Small World ride, we were greeted everywhere by cheers and greetings because of our t-shirts. For the big parks, Suzanne got us all similar shirts. Epcot was tie-dye day. The Magic Kingdom was Incredibles day. We all wore red shirts with the Incredibles logo slapped on the front. We looked like quiet the incredible family.

Our incredibleness failed us as we reluctantly broke away from our tour plan (no doubt in part to The Haunted Mansion being closed for a quick repair) and hopped on It's a Small World (or rather, hopped in the boat for it). This ride, which I remember well from a trip twenty years ago, is the nemesis of a sane mind. Over and over and over and over again it blasts you with lyrics from the song "It's a Small World." Over and over. And over. Until you finally want to drown kittens just to get out of it. Why did we ride it? I cannot say, except that it had a short line, which is worth gold in the Magic Kingdom.

(After the ride, Colleen said, "That was the longest ride in the world." And then she asked me why I kept talking pictures of the kids. I answered: "I had to do something or I'd go insane." She nodded sagely, understanding.)

The Big Thunder Mountain Railroad was a blast, although half-way through Alex screamed he was getting a headache. Then we took a short trip to Tom Sawyer's island to explore and wait for our Fast Past to kick in for Splash River.

A note about the Disney World Fast Pass. This is the stuff of genius. The main big rides and attractions have fast passes associated with them. These passes let you skip a big chunk of the queue when you're ready to ride. They work like this: say you really want to ride Space Mountain, but you have no desire to wait in an hour-long line to do it. You can go up to the fast pass bank of machines near the ride, stick in your magnetic park ticket, and the machine will print out a small piece of paper called a fast pass. This pass might say something like, "Your fast pass ride time is between 12:45 and 1:45." That means if you come back during that in-between time, you get to take a special fast pass line, avoiding the main clogged up hour-long wait, and hop right to the ride with a minimal wait. It you plan out your trip well enough, or even just plan lunchtime the right way, the fast pass is like a gift from the Disney World gods.

We wielded the fast pass with such finesse and aplomb that our longest wait for any ride in the Magic Kingdom was not much more than ten minutes.

We bopped here and there, following the tour schedule until our Very Special and Magical lunch at Cinderella's Royal Table. This was a princess lunch - it's one of those things that require reservations six months before. Fortunately, my sister-in-law Karen had made these very reservations way back in 1982 or so, but when they changed their travel plans, Suzanne asked her if we could steal their time for lunch.

The Cinderella lunch started downstairs in the castle where the kids had their pictures taken with Cinderella herself, which was very exciting and a bit surreal. Then we were ushered upstairs to a very ornate dining room. Colleen and Megan were greeted with princess wands (topped with a large star). Alex was handed a princely sword, which he immediately put to use by fighting the little boy at the table next to us.

Snow White, Belle, Princess Aurora (a.k.a. Sleeping Beauty), and the Fairy Godmother all came by our table at different times to say hello, sign the kids' autograph books, and pose for pictures. We were particularly excited about Belle from Beauty and the Beast, because of all the princesses, she was the one who seemed to have her act together, could think for herself, and didn't need Prince Charming to save the day. (By the way, we all wondered about that roguish Prince Charming. He sure seemed to get around, making time with all the princesses. If he had shown up at lunch, well, that would have been awkward.)

Lunch was great, and right afterward we met Mary Poppins behind the carrousel for some more pictures, then the jungle cruise, and somewhere in there we rode the Pirates of the Caribbean (which inspired the movie and that, in turn, inspired the ride - now Johnny Depp's version of Jack Sparrow was everywhere in the ride).

As the afternoon progressed, we made our way to the Hall of Presidents for a quick lesson in civics and air conditioning. An oddly lucid George W. Bush spoke a few complete sentences, but it was Honest Lincoln, as always, who brought the show home.

We ate dinner at the Noodle Place in Tomorrowland, and afterward we thought it'd be nice to go to the Lilo & Stitch space adventure. A sign over the entrance said the wait time was five minutes, but we thought we'd get a fast pass (thinking a lot of people might show up for the ride after the performance happening in front of the castle). The cast member working the Stitch entrance told us not to worry about getting a fast past. The wait would be five minutes all night long. In the detective business, this is what we all a Clue. In the oblivious business, this is what you call us not catching one.

So we rode the Stitch ride, and it was terrible. By that I mean: stupid, uninspiring, and flat. This wasn't a Disney ride at all, and I'm surprised it ever got to see the light of day. Our unofficial guide book said the ride was scary for kids, but I'd say it was scary for everyone. Scary in its wretchedness. They could have done so much more, but Disney Imagineers aren't calling me for recommendations, so I'll stop critiquing now. Here are what a few people behind us said:

"That was a waste of time!"
"What was that? It was horrible!"
"Plain stupid."
"Where's the bathroom?"

That's when we decided to go back to the hotel and swim in one of its rural Louisiana pools, which isn't as nasty as that sounds (by that I mean no alligators). A strange thing happened here though. A father walked up to the pool's edge and threw his kid in. The kid, unfortunately, couldn't swim and started flailing about, looking miserable and helpless. The lifeguards had long since quit for the night, so the dad jumped in, clothes and all, to save his kid. The dad pulled his kid out of the water and then started yelling, all the while drenched and looking very silly. And that poor kid, almost a goner, had to stand there, holding tears back, and take it. Then the dad told the kid his entire night was ruined because his clothes were wet, so they marched away (to their room, I hope) to change.

Vacation brings out the best in a lot of people, I guess.

Tomorrow: The Animal Kingdom

Disneyfacation: Day 2

We started out early today, ready to get to Epcot before the opening bell. A few friends recommended following a touring plan from the aptly named TouringPlans.com, and one of the first things the plans recommend was getting to the parks early beating all those slackers who think "vacation" should consist of sleeping in and a having a leisurely breakfast. Those fools!

We arrived at Epcot (or, to show off, the Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow) at 8:30, half an hour before the gates opened. We queued up in a moderately long, but not that significant, line. At about ten 'til nine, the gate monitors began letting us through, but we were held back from completely entering the park by some cast members (all Disney employees are called cast members) right at the large Earth sphere, which was perfectly fine because it gave us time to get our stroller.

The thing about strollers: even though we were quite confident all the kids could manage to navigate the ins and outs of Disney World on foot just fine, Suzanne and I also knew the slight tipping point between joy and crankiness could easily be one stroller ride away. Plus, a stroller could act as a great wheelbarrow for things such as: backpacks, water, hyper-expensive Disney paraphernalia from omnipresent gift shops. So we rented a double-wide stroller for the week. The system works pretty nicely. In the morning, we exchange a coupon for a stroller. At night, we turn the stroller back in. The next day we get a new one.

Nine o'clock on the dot, Epcot opened. I made my way with the kids to Test Track, a speedy car adventure ride, while Suzanne went to The Land and got a Fast Pass ticket for Soarin'. Our plan was to meet in the line at Test Track, ride that ride, and then head over to Soarin'.

That plan worked pretty smoothly, and the kids loved Test Track. Afterward, we still had an hour before we could use our Fast Pass, so we decided to keep to the touring plan and ride Mission: Space, which was just next door.

Mission: Space simulates a trip to Mars. There are two version of the ride. There's the normal version, which comes with warning after warning after warning of motion sickness, dizziness, and regular head-spinning abuse. Then there's the not-so-intense version that doesn't give people vertigo and people, in response, don't give it the contents of their stomachs. Suzanne, Colleen, and Megan opted for the less intense version. I, stupidly, convinced Alex we should go on the regular, no-holds-barred ride.

I am at a loss to explain why I thought this was a good idea, but as I was strapped into the ride, and the video screen was lowered in front of me, and the g-forces started pushing against me, I started thinking everyone was making a big deal about nothing. This was just a simulation ride with video a few inches from my face. No problem.

That's when the problem started. It's hard to explain, but the car we were in started moving, the video started spinning, and I started feeling very, very queasy. I mean, very queasy. So I figured, well it's a simulation ride. All I have to do is close my eyes and I'll be fine.

Now I know the ride operators all said, "If you feel sick, don't close your eyes. Just watch the screen." I know they said it at least 10 time, but of course I knew better. It's just an illusion, right? So I'll merely close my eyes. So I did.

That was a mistake. A mistake of Mount Pinatubo proportions, as in this baby is going to blow. I had no idea what was going on, but I thought for certain I was going to have, as my 9th grade History teacher once called it, a regurgitation episode. So I looked down to find the barf bag the mission briefing said was someplace on the instrument panel, but looking down only made things worse. That, and I could barely hold my hand up in front of me. Rotten weird space simulation gravity.

The ride ended just as my concentration gave out, but I was lucky and didn't throw up (although as Alex and I walked out, Alex was full of concentration; my contribution was "uhhhhh." I couldn't even looked down at him. My peripheral vision was completely shot). We met Suzanne and the girls in the lounge. All I wanted to do was lie down.

After that debacle, we took a nice and gentle boat ride through The Land, and then road Soarin', a very cool ride that pulls you pretty far up (with your feet dangling - comfy points for that!) and you feel as if your soaring over vast California panoramas. It's a pretty slick ride - you even smell the orange groves and the surf as you fly over them. We didn't smell the exhaust of the helicopter in one scene, which was just as well. We got plenty of that waiting for the shuttle buses in real life.

The crowd had been building fairly rapidly by now (after we had left Soarin', its wait was 90 minutes). At lunch, though, we met a guy at the table next to us who was pretty cranky. "Is is always like this?" he asked. "This is intense. I can't wait to get back to the office." Wow!

After lunch we spent some time at Innovations where Suzanne and I rode a couple of Segways. The Segway is pretty nifty, but it's tainted for me. When I see one, all I can think about is Gob from the show Arrested Development. That's hard to explain, but if you were one of the five people who watched that show, which was incredibly funny, you'll know what I mean.

After that, we rode Spaceship Earth and then the 40 minute show of Ellen's Energy Adventure, which was very good, although I hurt my neck from jerking my head up after falling asleep and pretending I didn't.

Then we moved on to the World Showcase, a large area of Epcot featuring all sorts of different countries, their cultures, and food. We made it to Norway just as a massive and ill-timed storm blew out of nowhere and soaked everyone. Fortunately, Suzanne's detailed trip plan had us packing a thin but effective ponchos for everyone. We threw them on, and then hid from the the most significant part of the downpour in a small room dedicated to Viking explorers. I'm sure that Olaf II, intense in his glass case, had never had better house guests than the five of us, all in our tie-dyed shirts, clear ponchos, and squeaky shoes.

The rain let up about 15 minutes afterward, and we had to do a quick march through the rest of the countries so we could get to Canada in time for our dinner reservations at Le Cellier Steakhouse (although Off Kilter, the bagpipe, guitar, and drum band in the U.K intrigued me since they were playing, I believe, Tom Sawyer by the band Rush, which made me say "Bagpipes . . . whaa?").

Dinner was fantastic. Even Colleen had a filet (now that she's too old to order from the kid's menu), and afterward Suzanne found us a terrific spot to watch the Illuminations fireworks display over the Epcot lagoon. Then it was a quick shuttle ride back the hotel, showers for the kids, and bed, just in time to get psyched up for Monday's early morning rise and shine.

So today the high points: Test Track, a barf-less morning, Soarin', pumpkins shaped like Mickey Mouse growing in the greenhouse, Ellen Degeneres narrating the Tour of Energy, Olaf II, ponchos, Canadian beef, fireworks.

Colleen: I was on the bus to Epcot. We had to wake up early that morning to catch our bus at 8:00. Megan and Alex were very tired. Not me. I was excited. Epcot had two parts to it: the World Showcase and futureworld. We went to furtureworld first and rode this awesome ride called Test Track, and it was my favorite ride. I didn't want the fun to end. Luckily it never did. We went on other rides. My dad almost barfed on Mission: Space. He wasn't smart. He went on intense. I went on non-intense. And then we went to the World Showcase, and suddenly it started pouring rain. We went to Norway to see the Vikings. Then we went to Canada for dinner and watched the parade. Did I mention the masks? We started these awesome masks in France where you can go to each country in Epcot to get your name written in the language they speak, and you get a stamp from each country. We didn't complete it all that day.

Alex: When we went to Epcot we saw Test Track. That was my favorite ride at Epcot. And it's called Test Track because you test it out and it has a track on it, and it's fast. At nighttime we saw the fireworks, and they were cool. I never saw fireworks in a long time. That's why I just wanted to see them. And there was this Earth thing that opened up and it sprays out fireworks, and the fountain turns different colors, and the Earth thing shows different parts of the world, like India. The fireworks were mostly going down, and I liked the booms. I was not scared. I was acting like a monkey there.

Megan: My stomach went round and around as we headed straight for the cardboard door on Test Track. Suddenly the doors opened and we went outside. We were probably going as fast as a cheetah. I peered into the morning sun, and I could see all of Epcot. My dad kept laughing and laughing and laughing because I was screaming. After Mission: Space my sister and I had an argument about my Dad's face. Was it as green as seaweed or as green as the grass. We were just about to head into Mexico on our way around the world when we heard thunder. We ducked into the nearest building when it started to rain, which was a Viking church. It had exhibits on Vikings and their stories. As soon as the sun started shining again, we went out and gasped in amazement at all the things, like glass sculputures of Disney characters. We got Pooh Bear's autograph and Alice's autograph in the U.K. and then left to have more adventures.

Tomorrow: The Magic Kingdom

Disneyfacation: Day 1

The lure of Disney World is a tough thing to resist, especially now that the kids are eleven, nine, and six. So for this past Christmas, the kids all got matching Mickey Mouse shirts and a certificate announcing their very own Disney vacation in May.

Now it's time to pony up.

The plane trip to Orlando was very smooth, and once we landed and (finally) found the Disney Magic Express transportation desk, that's when the glamor really began. We were escorted by a very nice bus driver to our official Disney resort: Port Orleans Riverside, which is part of this sprawling antebellum Port Oleans complex. (It bills itself as "the appeal of rural Louisiana," which makes me say "wha?" I've seen rural Louisiana, and you, Port Orleans, sir, are no rural Louisiana.)

It took us awhile to find our room, smallish for the five of us, but nice nonetheless. The kids wanted to watch something on TV while we unpacked, and Suzanne made a joke that the place only carried Disney channels. But when we looked, she was right. Sure, there was PBS in there someplace (Colleen wondered if Disney bought PBS so they could show it in our hotel room), but pretty much everything else was Disney Disney Disney.

That's not to say we watched much TV because the parks were a-callin'. So we grabbed the cameras and headed to the West Shuttle Bus Depot to catch a ride to the Magic Kingdom, the original and most venerable part of Disney World.

We didn't have traditional tickets to the parks. Instead, we were each given our own magnetic stripe card (really, just like a credit card) that we were supposed to slide into a slot next to the entrance turnstile. As soon as you put in your card, a biometric scanner glows blue demanding your fingerprint (for the adults - the kids didn't have to do the biometric part). Now I'm not a fan of companies collecting biometric info on their customers because it's both creepy and intrusive. Plus, data is data, and who knows where data goes and what it's used for. So I asked if Disney was sharing our trip information with Homeland Security, and why did they need to know what theme park I was at anyway? The ticket person, who was very very friendly, simply pooh-poohed that, and said they collect fingerprints to avoid having people share their cards through the fence with friends.

That didn't make a whole lot of sense to me because you couldn't get to any fences to share your card. If you really wanted to, I guess you could tape your card to a balloon and have it float over to someone. That, and since they didn't collect fingerprints on kids, you could always share a kid card.

Well, strange. But the kids were itching to ride things, so I pressed my finger on the glowing blue light and gave up yet another fraction of liberty for the sake of convenience.

First things first in the Magic Kingdom: standing agog before Cinderella's castle then dashing to Space Mountain where we grabbed a Fast Pass (more on that later) and snooped around Tomorrowland while waiting for our Fast Pass time to kick in. On the border of Tomorrowland and Fantasyland was the Mad Tea Party ride - a ride of spinning teacups, and a ride from which Suzanne and I both abstained, fearing its barf inducing qualities. But the kids loved it.

Space Mountain was, as always, intensely terrific. The kids had no idea what they were in for, but as soon as it was finished, they clamored to ride it again (and again and again). But Fast Passes wait for no one, so in the those few waning park hours before the Spectromagic parade, we hit Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin and then the Monster's Inc. Laugh Floor (very entertaining).

Then we moved on to grab a good spot for the Electromagic parade starting at 9:00. Main street, the street you first travel when entering the park, was packed full of parade-waiters, but we were able to find a nice, cozy spot with a good view and space to sit down.

We staked out our spot 25 minutes or so before the parade started. About three minutes before, a nasty and loud woman squeezed in (that's literally squeezed in - by this time there wasn't a spot anywhere along the parade route) with her little girl, and she kept shoving her girl further and further in toward the curb, pushing all sorts of people out of the way. An she kept jammering on her cell phone and yelling at her husband about the lack of space, and then she wanted to buy her girl some strange, expensive glow in the dark toy, so she tells her husband, "I need twenty bucks. Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!" And then she grabbed his wallet out of his hands, and she storms off, leaving her daughter alone by the curb and her husband confused on the sidewalk.

So after the parade, which was nice and exciting and full of lovely lights and all sorts of illuminated effects, we made it a point to teach the kids the difference between boring (Stitch Adventure Ride) and boorish (the loud, money snatching woman).

It's rare to find boring at Disney World. Finding boorish, well that's unfortunately pretty common.

Kid Impressions of the first day:

Alex: When we went to the Magic Kingdom we saw Cinderella's castle and we rode on some rides and we rode on Space Mountain. That was my favorite one. And my second favorite one was the parade. It had band players playing. Did I mention we got our autograph books that day. My was red. All of ours were red. My has a blue pen. We didn't get any autographs today because Mommy said we couldn't get any.

Megan: First we went to Magic Kingdom after we got off the wobbly plane. We rode Space Mountain and the Teacups. Alex didn't ride the Teacups, but Colleen rode it with me. Cinderella's castle was really amazing. At nighttime it turns different colors.

Colleen: It was very hot and there were trees all around me. But I didn't care how hot it was, and I didn't care about how many trees were there. I was going to Disney World. You'll never believe what we did first. We went to the Magic Kingdom. There we went to Tomorrowland where Walt Disney thought it would be the future, like right now. After Tomorrowland, which was so amazing, we watched the most magical parade I've ever seen 'til then. It was fabulous. I loved it.

Tomorrow: Epcot.